How To Keep The Fire Burning In Your Marriage
Cool naked couple light up light switches.
Ready for some non-traditional alternative wedding advice? Is this blog title already making you look away/cringe/feel a bit shit? Or have you been wondering if the crackling fire you’ve got going (helloooo all you newlyweds) could fade to ashes...? Well buckle up baby, cause this blog post for you - and I’m NOT holding back!
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX, BABY
You’re in a long-term relationship, and you’ve made the ultimate commitment, marriage. Congratulations! So you’ve definitely experienced lust, falling in love and now...what would you call it? Hands up if ‘one leg out of the pyjama sex’ rings a bell. How can the person who is your safest space, most reliable friend, best Sunday roast maker and person that fixes the dishwasher be...sexy. Amy Schumer makes a great (and vivid) point “It’s hard to have sex with your spouse. Because that’s your family. We just had Thanksgiving together - I’m not gonna suck your d***. You’re my emergency contact!”. Amy Schumer Emergency Contact - Netflix
THE SCIENCE BIT
Just over a quarter of sexually active people in the UK have sex every week. YouGov data says on average 27% of the sexually active population have sex in any given week, including 11% who do it once, 7% who manage twice and 9% who have at least three sessions. High fives to you 9%’ers.
Age of course has a strong impact on how often people have sex, no surprise data shows those of you in your 20’s have probably stopped reading this blog a paragraph ago to dash off and find your partner cause it’s turned you on (you’re welcome). In our 30’s and then 40’s we’re all slowing down. Good news tho, once you hit 50 those figures go up again for a decade or so! Bring on early retirement I say.
Model couple kissing, whilst leaning on the giant E in the middle of the word SEX
REALLY...PUT IT IN...THERE?
Your DIARY. Put it in your diary. To schedule or not to schedule. I asked 5 friends whether they would consider scheduling sex with their partner. Three of them already did, THREE! And for them, it really works. Creating anticipation, excitement and pushing aside any “we need to talk about the gas bill later” thoughts to the back of your mind. And let’s face it, we’re all adults, we know what our weekly schedule looks like – so why not schedule a time and a place to get down to it? It makes sense – Text advice from a friend: I plan to wear something that makes me feel foxy AF, prep my body the way that makes me feel ace - it puts me in such a great state of mind I can’t wait to get home!”.
Open diary schedule with a mug of black coffee placed in the middle
BED IS BORING...
So that’s sorted what time. Let’s talk about a place...another friend told me to STOP having sex in bed. Huh? But, they were right and it makes total sense. Your bed is where you sleep every day, where you chat about non-sexy stuff. I’m not sure she meant a behind the bike sheds type fumble or a hotel room no one can afford...just, not bed. I’ll leave that to your imagination!
INTERCOURSE vs. OUTERCOURSE
Sexual intercourse...did you know that there is also the term outercourse! And it doesn’t mean rolling around in the long grass at a sexy picnic for two. (although, count me in for that). Sex isn’t just penetration and orgasms. If that’s even your thing, which is kind of my point. That’s not how it all needs to end. Intimacy, playfulness and rolling around...also sex. Everybody is different, and what feels good for you might not feel right for someone else. What really matters is that you and your partner are both into it, turned on and relaxed. So if you’ve been feeling pressure to perform, try and remember there are loads of other ways to have fun and turn each other on. Showing my age here – but where is More magazines position of the week when you need it? Text advice from a friend: Talk about sex when you’re in an ‘everyday’ state of mind. Kind of makes it easier and funnier. If you feel uncomfortable – just go with it! It's like sex without being drunk! Always a surprise it’s better ha ha!
THE SEX ADVICE YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR
And of course – it’s from a très sexy French woman. Psychotherapist and Sexpert Esther Perel gave a fantastic Ted Talk called The secret to desire in a long-term relationship.
DREAM, NEED, HOPE, HUMAN, DESIRE multicoloured neon words lit up against a dark background
READ ALL ABOUT IT
...of course there are books out there – but this is also a workbook! WHAT?! This beats GCSE Biology. Come As You Are by Emily Nagasoki is a non-judgemental look at sexual desire – backed by scientific research and data.
And also the beautifully titled 30 Lessons for Loving based on interviews with 700 older couples it’s the most detailed survey ever undertaken. The book imparts timeless wisdom from a wide range of voices on everything from dealing with in-laws, money, and, yes, sex. Amongst other things, if you are trying to keep the spark alive this could be the page turner for you.
KEEP IT REAL
All of the above is assuming your marriage is in a happy and healthy place. And I’m fully aware this simply may not be the case. Couples Therapy is the BEST reality TV. Real couples having real relationship counseling. Text advice from a friend: Watch it with the remote control handy as we kept pausing it to talk...it saved us a fortune from having to go ourselves!
I wrote this blog post to help, not shock! I hope it has sparked your interest and answers the blog title directly. Maybe it makes a conversation easier that you’ve been meaning to have. Hopefully it reminds you that what you’ve got going on is good - and with most good things, it’s quality, not quantity that counts ;-)