Real Brides: Planning A Wedding When You Have A Disability
Ellen and Nick
Written by Real Bride-To-Be Ellen Marshall
I want to start by addressing that age-old cliché of ‘it is every girl’s dream to get married’. It’s not. I’ve had bigger dreams, but when I met Nick I realised that my dream wedding was actually just marrying him. Love first, Pinterest board after.
I am sure like every bride; the excitement of the proposal quickly turns into worry. Worries about money, worries about finding the right suppliers… worries about if it would even be possible to walk down the aisle. You read that right. There is no typo. I wasn’t worried about who would walk me down the aisle but if I could in fact walk myself.
I need to explain that I have full mobility, I can walk for miles, I can run (but yuck, I hate running!), but 5 years ago in 2015, I woke up having lost a lot of function in my right arm and hand which lead to a diagnosis of Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis. I will spare you the science lesson but essentially, I have lesions on the coating of my brain and spinal cord that cause neurological issues. I saw how quickly I went from lifting 100kg weights to not even being able to pick up a pen. Although 5 years on I am doing extremely well and have almost normal function of my arm and hand, I am left with some symptoms. Symptoms can get worse with stress. I also know that in a blink of an eye anything could change. Do not be mistaken, my thoughts are not pessimistic, they are a reality I once faced and could do again. But it could also happen to anyone, I just have the advantage of being aware of that so I can be prepared.
The lasting symptoms I experience added an extra layer of complexity to wedding planning. I needed to not only prepare a ‘plan A’ but also be aware of a ‘plan B’. I say be aware because that is my first tip for anyone with a chronic illness. You don’t plan for your worse day (symptom wise) you plan for options. If you plan for your worst day you could experience your best day you are ultimately not experiencing the full potential of your abilities. You have limited yourself based on a ‘what if’. You also do not want to completely be unaware of plan B.
When I was looking at venues, mentally I was thinking about the access into a building, the walk from the bridal room to the alter, the different options available, is there somewhere I could sit down and still be a part of the action. But I was also very much looking at the aesthetic.
Accessible is not ugly if it is done right. It isn’t chunky, clinical white grab rails, I could be the beautiful handrail that serves the same purpose that fits so effortlessly into the décor.
It is the seating that is scattered around in all the key gathering spots and not isolated from the action. It is the disabled toilet that is spacious enough to double up as cubical big enough and encouraged as use for a bride with a big dress to use. So, no one would even think twice about its real purpose of use.
Most brides are extremely excited about wedding dress shopping. I was not, and this is partly an MS thing and partly a ‘me’ thing. To a random stranger, me in a traditional dress would not look out of place. If you know me… it does. I love makeup, I love dressing up, but I pretty much live in band t-shirts and DMs. I also wear the hell out of anything I own - I have t-shirts older than our relationship. Buying a dress that was not traditional, that suited me was not easy to find with a smaller budget. But just like magic, days after my engagement ‘Rock the Frock Pre-Loved’ announced it’s opening. I was quick to message the girls there and I explained some of my worries. For me, years of symptomatic medicines had piled on the pounds, I wanted to feel like me but the most visible thing about my MS was the impact it has had to my weight. I also wanted to explore all my options and knowing they had a range of separates in their shop and flowy dresses made me feel less in a panic about how I would cope with my bladder urgency on our big day.
The importance of having open and honest communication with your suppliers is important.
I want everything I do to be an experience that adds to our special day. Another tip I will give, and this is not just to people living with health conditions but to anyone – make sure that everyone in your life adds value. I learned from the offset that although my Neurologist is an expert in MS I am the expert of my life, it is about working together and if that doesn’t work… find the right fit for you until it does. That should be the same with all your suppliers.
All my suppliers know I have MS, don’t get me wrong I don’t go around saying ‘Hi I’m Ellen, I am an Aries, I have MS’, the conversation came naturally because I spent the time to build a rapport. I know that on the day if I have cognitive issues, spasms, or if things are getting too much… I can just say so and it isn’t awkward. It was the same for trying on dresses, they weren’t throwing ‘difficult to pee in’ dresses my way, I felt comfortable and after all the worries I had I actually really enjoyed my experience. Little did I know then, that would potentially be the only time I felt like a bride in 2020.
Which brings me to my last point. I am resilient as a person; my MS has taught me that.
Stress is a factor in making my symptoms worse. I tried to do as much early planning as I could to avoid last-minute stresses.
No one could have prepared me for the stress that being a 2020 bride has given me. I’ve said this a million times and I will say it again - I would rather be given my MS diagnosis all over again than have to go through the emotions I’ve felt over the last few months.
There is no textbook for this year, and having gone through something as big as MS. At first, people were confused as to why I was so upset about the not knowing of our wedding… but it isn’t just about that for someone living with MS. Your worries aren’t just about losing money. Your worries aren’t just about having the same suppliers move date.
Your worries are STILL if you can walk down the aisle unaided, and if the plans you made based on how you are right now will be the right plans a year down the line.
I also know how much my MS has changed how we planned our wedding for the good, and right now I am so thankful it did. It really does take a village – and knowing that I have the most incredible suppliers, friends and family, and above all my extremely supportive husband to be (and let’s face it extremely lucky as he gets to marry me!), as a part of our special day takes a huge burden away from the personal worries that I can feel surrounding my condition.
I am leaving my worries in 2020. If I do have mobility, bladder, cognitive issues on the day, there will be so much celebrating after this year, that after a few drinks everyone will have inflicted themselves to be in the ‘same boat’ as me!
Thank you so much Ellen for sharing your experience with us 🙌🏼
We’d love to hear from any other brides who can relate to this, please comment below and share this post with any other brides who will smile when they read it!
If you are a real bride-to-be with a story to share then we would love to hear from you! Email melissa@un-wedding.com